Suicidal? Please ask for Help!

We woke up horrified over the loss of Kate Spade yesterday. Honestly I wasn't sure who she was until I read the news stories of her passing. I don't follow fashion so I didn't know about her line of fashion bags and accessories. As I looked at her smiling face I wondered what drove her to take her own life, but honestly I don't have to wonder, I know! I live with anxiety and panic attacks too.

Another friend talked about her battle with anxiety and the overwhelming need to end it all. Those of us who live with mental illness have all wanted to end it at some point. It is a very real battle. The constant battle with your heart pounding, fear of your own battles that only you can speak of and only you understand. Claustrophobia? Can I explain to another person, my sons? My daughter? Can I make them understand? Do I even want to try? Not really... How do I make someone understand the battles in my mind? I don't and I can't.

It would be much easier to stop the battles in my head but at the same time I don't want to leave that legacy for my children and my grandchildren. I have chosen to never allow suicide to be an option for me. I cannot allow this discussion to go on with my children or my grandchildren so I continue the battle. I continue the discussion with my therapist and I leave my children out of the discussion as to why I have these anxiety attacks and why PTSD is in my vocabulary. Why mental illness is a fact of my life. I know very well why but it's a discussion they know a little bit about but they don't need to know every detail. My daughter knows a whole lot more than she wants to know but my son's just don't know. I guess I am more comfortable talking to my daughter.

I made a decision that suicide was not an option and the battle would be taken to my grave when I pass from this earth by any other means than by my own hands. I will NOT give this legacy to my children, they already have enough to deal with, with a mom who lives with mental illness. I think I have mastered my demons enough to be a somewhat normal member of society. Pandora's box is calm enough for me to live a relatively normal life and I will try.

If you or someone you love is suicidal please get help. If you just want to text, the number is 741-741 or you can call at 1-800-273-8255. Your life and the life of your loved one depends on it. Suicide ends the pain for you but it transfers it to the people who love you. Please think about it and ask for help.

Danni Andrew, DTM
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